Not Rock Bottom But It Hurts

You know that romantic relationship I mentioned in my last blog?

Gone.

That's ironic, it seems. My last blog post focused on my progress in the last year. Part of that involved being in a supportive and loving relationship. My support system seemed to be significantly linked to having that person in my life and now she's gone.

I am drawing a lot of similarities between where I was last fall and where I currently am.

I'm feeling alone and detached. I'm feeling unaccomplished and anxious.

But...I guess it's not all bad. As much as I'd like to keep drawing the comparisons to last year, slump down and let life pass me by as I mope to recovery, I know that I am capable of more. I know this because I've done it.

I have the capacity and the coping skills to walk directly through this pain and come out on the other side stronger. I have the support system to lean on when I'm getting weak or lonely. I have the psychiatric care I need because the experiences of last year caused me to establish it for my future.

I know that I will be okay. I don't always feel like it. Even my capacity to write this blog, to some extent, depends on my feelings. Right now, I'm feeling okay (hence why I'm able to write this). Yesterday, I wasn't. Tomorrow, I don't know yet. Luckily, when I have the mind for it, I'm establishing the rational fact that I can do this. That way, when I don't have the rational mind for it, I can at least repeat the facts to myself. It offers some assurance.

Here's the thing with pain, though. It doesn't always matter that "it'll get better" one day. You're in pain now and that's all that matters in the moment. Sure, I'll be happy again one day but why do I care if I'm horribly hurt right this moment? But that's okay to ask that question. Feel the pain. Do what you can to shake it loose. And if you can't, don't pressure yourself. It WILL end, and you can slowly move on at that point. Don't add insult to injury. Sometimes our greatest impediment to progress is our own mind.

So here I am. Jobless, broke, hurting, girlfriend-less and in need of a new place to live. Hardly the stuff of happy dreams. But I'm on a journey, and even in these canyons I know that the summation of everything will put me in a higher place.

Header photo courtesy of Reddit user _ryuk87_.