Miswanting: What I've learned about being happy
Have you ever been excited about something that turned out to be a let-down? Have you ever been hurt by the very hobby that you turn to for joy or comfort? Have you desperately searched for happiness and been unable to find it?
You're in good company.
In pop culture, we see this all over the place (presumably, because it's pretty common). Don Draper collecting power, wealth and women in AMC's Mad Men and never having enough of any of them. Cassius Green sacrificing relationships and principle to climb the corporate ladder at a telemarketing firm in Sorry To Bother You, only to realize all-too-late what is more important. The countless souls who pursued the throne of Westeros in HBO's Game of Thrones, only to be cut down in their pursuit. In each of these instances, a protagonist was living life on a Hedonic treadmill (never to attain what he or she consider "enough"), chasing a dream that was later deemed unworthy of the sacrifices made or killed in the pursuit of the goal. I, too, have personally reached goals that were eventually unfulfilling; the problem is that I often look to the wrong place to replace that lost fulfillment, too.
Life is worthy of having goals. We all have them. Sometimes they're small and little, like "make it to work on time this week" or "spend time exercising." Others can be quite larger or more significant, such as "lose 100 pounds" or "get engaged." There is nothing wrong with having goals and there is nothing wrong with liking things that don't serve some grand or existential purpose. However, when it comes to happiness, these can be problematic if our expectations aren't checked.
So much of life's unhappiness is due to what psychologists are calling "miswanting." That's to say, we want the wrong things. We want things that actually do very little to fulfill us and keep us happy as humans. These things often involve power, prestige, money or possessions. We chase money so we can live more comfortably and buy more stuff, we chase power or prestige for the sake of notoriety and respect from those around us and we live on the high that comes from owning the newest and best, only to be upstaged by newer and better.
There is nothing wrong with owning nice things. I personally love owning nice things, and I like owning a nice apartment where I can put those nice things. That's my home and my home is important to me.
The problem is when we rely on those things to make us happy. They don't. Not for long, anyway.
According to social psychologist Dr. Daniel Gilbert, the three most important findings regarding happiness are:
- we can’t be happy alone
- we can’t be happy all the time
- we can be happier than we are currently
We need a community to be happy. Not only does our neurological makeup support socialization, research also suggests that loneliness is as unhealthy as smoking or obesity. Recent research from UCLA also suggests that, in this age of digital interaction, we may be losing our ability to read emotions.
So what is happiness?
I'm sure we can all agree that it's more than just a burst of dopamine inside our heads. It's more than just a jumble of positive emotions. Happiness is usually defined as fulfillment and a positive outlook on life, something that can carry us from day to day and even through hard times.
Happiness is not just an "American" or "Western" priority, too. A recent study of more than 10,000 participants from 48 countries conducted by psychologists Ed Diener of the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign and Shigehiro Oishi of the University of Virginia discovered that people from all over the world rate happiness as being more important than other desirable personal outcomes (such as having meaning in life or being rich).
It also helps that there is more research concerning happiness than has ever existed. The field of positive psychology is exploding. The most popular course ever to be taught at Yale (just this year) is nicknamed "The Happy Class" and delves into the science of well-being. Yale psychologist Laurie Santos discussed that class on Science Friday on NPR, which can be listened to here. People are more interested in happiness largely because people have been unhappier than ever.
Why are people so unhappy? Now, that's an interesting question. According to cognitive psychologist Steven Pinker, things are better than ever (a point he humorously and succinctly makes in his latest TED Talk). To (drastically) summarize the main points Pinker makes in his TED Talk (and latest book), everything in the world is getting better. There is less poverty, less infectious disease, less illiteracy, less death due to natural disasters and many other measurable factors that can confirm that life is better now than at any point in history. We live in a world with anesthesia, medicine and vaccines, infinite knowledge accessible through a device in our pockets, an abundance of food and so much more. So again, I ask...why are people so unhappy?
I return to my initial point: miswanting. We are simply wanting the wrongs things; we are expecting the wrong things to make us happy. So how do we fix this? No disrespect to Dr. Gilbert and his above list, but I suggest these three things that have recently been working in my life:
- differentiate between what gives us happiness and where we assign happiness
- accept and embrace suffering
- don't go it alone
Number one only recently came to me and has already made a significant impact. For many years, I pursued those things that made me happy for a short while. Alcohols, drugs, food, nice things and so on...the things that gave me a short boost; I would need to continually return to them. This is where I've been getting things wrong. Those things don't actually give me happiness; rather, I assign happiness to them. Hence why I say there is nothing wrong with doing things that make us happy (depending, of course, on what they are, lest we get stuck on a Hedonic treadmill). I find collecting vinyl records pleasurable, so I do it. However, my happiness and fulfillment shouldn't be found in my record collection or anything else I own. They should be found is what gives us happiness, and that, according to research, is kindness, service and community.
Number two is perhaps the hardest and most underrated component of happiness. I would argue that life is not worth living without suffering. In this NY Times op-ed, philosophy lecturer Adam Etinson asks the question, "Is a life without struggle worth living?" A pertinent question as any. He asks this question in the context of wanting to achieve a better life for everyone. Quoting philosopher Jeremy Mill, he asks, "If everything could be made perfect and social change be achieved, would I be happy? No!" So what do we do? His conclusion, with help from Mill, lands him on believing that the freneticism of life requires a retreat to "quiet, normalcy and contemplation." We may need to retreat to the quiet, but his unwritten point is that "quiet" requires that other places be "loud" in comparison. The point? We can't enjoy the happiness without having felt the sadness. We can't appreciate the high points of life without experiencing the lower. We can't enjoy the quiet without being involved in the loud.
Number three, as I've stated several times, we can't do this alone. We are social creatures. Not only is this an inherently important pillar, it is also significant because, when everything else isn't going okay, we can lean on this one a little more than normal (just be sure to work towards taking the weight off as not to take advantage of your community). The best part is that you can reciprocate and help to support others in your community when the opportunities present themselves. This mutually-beneficial pillar of existence is key.
Serving others has proven benefits, such as improved mental health and longevity. Kindness makes us happier. Research has provided us with a blueprint for happiness. Our overall wellbeing must be made a priority for each of us. Not only is it good for us, but it's also good for those around us. Happiness is contagious. And if we're not happy, it makes it harder for us to be kind. And if we're not kind, it only makes happiness harder to achieve. It's one big circle. Each pillar of wellbeing is important.
In Walt Whitman's "Song for Myself," he writes of a preference to living with animals rather than humans:
“They do not sweat and whine about their condition.
They do not lie awake in the dark and weep for their sins.
They do not make me sick discussing their duty to God,
Not one is dissatisfied, not one is demented with the mania of owning things,
Not one kneels to another, nor to his kind that lived thousands of years ago,
Not one is respectable or industrious over the whole earth.”
While I don't agree with a literal reading of Whitman's hyperbolic language, I agree with the spirit these words capture. These things a majority of humans discuss and pursue, expecting it to make them happy or fulfill them, only drives them and their fellow humans mad. I will say that humankind seems obsessed with living between their wildest dreams and worst nightmares. We have the tools to be happy and we can't be afraid of risks or of being uncomfortable. We need to stop making excuses and take the plunge into happiness.
Side note: Laurie Santos has made her "happy class" at Yale available to the public for free on Coursera. I encourage you to sign up!